Last week, I strolled into a certain local department store. To be frank, I’m not really sure what spurred my visit. Maybe they had 2-for-1 on dandruff shampoo, or a killer deal on a Huffy. But if there is one sagely piece of advice I can give to you this day, it would be this: do not model your business after this department store. And yes, that includes your Internet storefront.

The building is the rigor mortised cadaver of a zebra-striped retailer of years past, who left the structure in a condition somewhere between war-torn banana republic and a location on the set of the movie Saw, minus the bear traps but perhaps not the lighting.

There’s a certain misery that washes over you when you move past its doors. Everything is covered in the jaundiced glow of underpowered fluorescent. Floor tiles snarl at your feet, angry over their years of mistreatment. Stacks of tchotchkes align into an aluminum rat maze that guarantees your futile escape. And when at the register, I swore I saw the checkout woman raise an eyebrow as if a signal to free her from her foot shackle. Thankfully, a thorough investigation revealed no such restraint.

So why talk about this store, and how does it relate to your business? Because someone in the ranks, whoever it may be, is satisfied with the condition the store is in and the experience it provides. Someone turns the lights on each day and says “Yep…looking swell!”

When it comes to the Web, this is a word called presence. It’s not only showing up, but actually tucking in your shirt and washing your hands after you go to the bathroom. It’s the antithesis of “something’s better than nothing.” That means if you plan on coming in a denim tuxedo, don’t bother coming at all.

Sites like these are littered throughout the Internet. They’re the ones invoking the tortured dimension where Netscape and America Online dwell, with its crusty hands holding on to Little House on the Prairie Web standards. Their purpose is to give ease to the business owner who can finally pen off the “get on the Inter-Webs” checkbox in their day planner. And each day, more and more businesses fork over big bucks to substandard Web developers for their personal dose of Internet snake oil.   

But that’s business, right? The cheapest and most convenient usually win out. That’s why I bought a 15 lbs. wheel of premium cocktail party cheese at Wal-Mart. Because, hey – look at the savings.

Don’t misconstrue a quality Web presence as one with shinier buttons than the other guy, however. Not only is it building upon a foundation that passes code, but also catering to the audience you seek. Always be mindful of its purpose as a platform to generate revenue. That means if it doesn’t have the functionality your customers require, it won’t be used. And if it isn’t used, congratulations! You’ve just wasted a wheelbarrow full of money. Should’ve bought that office furniture, after all.

Granted, it’s a tough pill to swallow for many businesses to invest big dollars in something they know little about. But if you’re in need of reassurance, know that there is a natural progression of advertising dollars towards the Internet. Current economic woes have bolstered the digital budgets of businesses, some reports saying as much as $42 billion worth by 2011. Why? Because Internet bucks can be stretched out like Thanksgiving turkey meat, unlike traditional media.

The Internet isn’t dictated to a region or a word limit. It’s easy to share an address and comes with its own personal sherpa named Google. And if you still aren’t convinced your customers use it extensively for every facet of their life, it’s time to sell your worldly possessions and live in a mountain cave, because there’s no hope for you. (If you’re having a hard time finding one, don’t fret, the sherpa can guide you there).

You don’t have to donate plasma to afford a presence on the Internet. Being savvy with the resources available to you can put a fresh face out there without the cost. One that screams Web 2.0 and not the shrill din of a dialup modem, and one that connects people to your product.

That includes – eek! — social media. Yes, that may terrify you. It’s actually not all esoteric technobabble for 20-something socialites, however. Take Facebook, who this year alone has had a 200% spike in hits and projects over 500 million users before the end of the next.

These platforms exist as part of the new casual Internet experience, a place where the latest photo of your overweight cat is an indelible talking point. Organically tapping into the communities that care about your product or service is not only important in establishing brand loyalty, it usually costs the low, low price of free.

It rests on making smart, managed decisions with your advertising dollars and being able to speak the lingo well enough to call a cab and a order a burger. Otherwise you’re handing over money to the first person who claims to be a tour guide. And no, pinning a Canadian flag to your backpack won’t work this time.

No one expects you to show up to the Internet with elbow length gloves and a fine martini. They just want you bright-eyed and in your Sunday best. That alone will speak volumes for who you are as a company. By establishing who you are and addressing your customer’s needs, half the battle is over. Then it’s just a matter of engaging them.

If you still insist on settling, though, I recommend you check out that department store I was talking about – I heard they’re having a blowout on denim tuxedos.    

- Rob Lombardi is a Creative Intern at Mission Creative in Dubuque, Iowa. He feels pride in doing his civic duty of omitting department stores names to protect the innocent and overdoing it with the mixed metaphors.